


rules for palermo (that he is most likely to break)

by maleclipse



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, M/M, Skippy's List, its a list ok, kind of and not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:40:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23859940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maleclipse/pseuds/maleclipse
Summary: A comprehensive list of things Palermo is not allowed to do at the Royal Mint of Spain, brought to you by Berlín.
Relationships: Berlin | Andrés de Fonollosa/Palermo | Martín Berrote
Comments: 34
Kudos: 319





	rules for palermo (that he is most likely to break)

**Author's Note:**

> a special thanks to everyone who helped me with this hahaha. a wild brainstorming ride from start to finish.

_For Palermo’s eyes only!_

A comprehensive list of things Palermo is not allowed to do at the Royal Mint of Spain, brought to you by Berlín (with some additional help from his brother): 

1\. You will follow every rule Berlín gives you, including the ones on this list.

2\. No complaining about the plan. No one wants to hear it, love. 

3\. You are not allowed to scare the hostages for fun - it’s not your job. 

4\. You are not allowed to kill any of the hostages. 

5\. And definitely not your co-workers, while we do know some of them annoy you.

6\. No calling Berlín the love of your life while working - he might like it, but not enough to _not_ snap your neck if you do it. 

7\. If something makes Berlín jealous, do not do it. 

8\. You may not call Berlín by his real name, either. 

9\. Or any cute names. 

10\. Berlín is not called “ _your majesty_ ” either. 

11\. Not allowed to use the bathroom for anything other than basic needs. 

12\. Her name is Tokio, not _”the female one I don’t like.”_

13\. You are not allowed to call Tokio a cougar either. 

14\. Her name is Nairobi, not _”the female one I do like_. _”_

15\. While we all appreciate your singing, _please_ keep it at a minimum in the Mint. It gets annoying after a few hours. 

16\. You must never call the Professor a ”wanker” or any other names. 

17\. Don’t give your gun to any of the hostages. I can’t believe I actually have to say this. 

18\. You can’t sell ”magic potions” to the hostages and then proceed to poison them. (See rule 4.)

19\. You are allowed only one engineer rant in a day. 

20\. You are allowed only ten insults in a day. 

21\. You do not have super-powers so stop pretending you do. 

22\. No, making Berlín fall in love with you is not a super-power. He did that himself, you just looked good and were adorable enough. 

23\. No lashing out at anyone for being called adorable. 

24\. You are not allowed to complain about the lack of milk. We get it. You will have time to drink just as much milk as you please when we get out of there. 

25\. No calling Helsinki the love of your life, either. (See rule 7.) 

26\. Talks about gay sex are not allowed. 

27\. No detailed talks about your sex life with Berlín, either, as that falls under the rule number 26. 

28\. No flirting with anyone. 

29\. No kissing Berlín (or anyone else, rule 7 still stands) while working.

30\. And please, no random hookups either. 

31\. That means no quick ‘smoke breaks’ or whatever you want to call your secret meetups with my brother. We have cameras in those rooms and I will not watch you guys have sex. _\- Sergio_

32\. Just stay professional at all times. 

33\. Mocking Denver’s laugh is not a hobby.

34\. We are not recruiting anyone to rob the gold. 

35\. No sleeping just because you are bored. 

36\. No playing with your gun because you are bored, either. 

37\. You are not allowed to rephrase Berlín’s orders as sexual innuendos. 

38\. Not allowed to leave, or threaten anyone with the idea of it. 

39\. Not even if things go wrong. 

40\. Seriously. You are not allowed to leave under any circumstances, especially not with an entire suitcase full of muffins. I saw you pack them. 

41\. You are not allowed to use the words “ _but you said we are soulmates_ ” to defy any of Berlín’s rules. 

42\. Berlín might find your tantrums amusing, but you should keep them at minimum as well. 

43\. No dramatic entrances, you don’t own the place. 

44\. Please, no dramatic exits either. We have had enough of those. 

45\. No YELLING. 

46\. Making the hostages dance for your amusement isn’t allowed. 

47\. Actually, dancing is not allowed _at all._

48\. Using the phone to call the Professor about stupid things, like “ _why there is no wine here_ ” or “ _do you think Berlín hates me_ ” is not allowed. 

49\. I repeat: the phone is for EMERGENCIES only. 

50\. Thinking that Berlín hates you is also not allowed. He doesn’t.

51\. You will not rename our plans as your favorite songs or any sexual innuendos.

52\. No pointing guns at your co-workers. The excuse “ _I’m just threatening_ ” is not valid. 

53\. You will not change your red overall for a black suit (again, why did you even pack that?) or your leather jacket. 

54\. We don’t care if the overall doesn’t fit your gay aesthetic. 

55\. You are allowed only one rant a day about how gay you are for Berlín. 

56\. Please don’t tell the hostages how you baked muffins the night before the heist because you couldn’t sleep. They get hungry. 

57\. Do not ask Helsinki about his tattoos. Firstly, because no one cares to hear a 3-hour explanation and secondly, _see rule 7_. 

58\. You are not allowed to impersonate Tokio. 

59\. Do not try to make anyone kiss you while you’re wearing the mask. It’s just creepy. 

60\. No slapping anyone’s ass. 

61\. No rants about Berlín’s ass. 

62\. You are not allowed to be around any sharp objects without supervision. That also means no shaving without supervision. 

63\. Do not steal Berlín’s sleeping bag to get him to sleep with you. Just ask. 

64\. You are not allowed to kidnap any of the hostages and hold them in a closed room for your fun. 

65\. If any of the hostages happen to be pregnant, please don’t ask to be the godfather of the child. We know that’s your dream, but let’s wait for Sergio to have some kids or something. 

66\. Do not play hide and seek. Especially if no one knows. And especially not naked. 

67\. Don’t walk around naked. 

68\. No talking shit about your co-workers or straight sex. 

69\. And if you happen to walk on Tokio and Río having sex, don’t ask to join. 

70\. You are not allowed to call Moscú your father to annoy Denver. Plus, see rule 7. 

71\. You are not allowed to bring the random cat you found last week with you. Sorry. 

72\. Not allowed to use the phrase “ _move, I’m gay_ ” more than five times a day.

73\. Please don’t give city names to random hostages??

74\. Do not take the phone from Berlín just to call the Professor a virgin. 

75\. You will not have random, hour-long speeches just because you are bored. 

76\. “I’m gay,” is not a reason for you to be doing nothing. 

77\. You will not speculate the dick size of any of the hostages. 

78\. Stop randomly giving baby name ideas to people. 

79\. Making Berlín laugh or smile doesn’t provide a justified cause to ignore any of these rules. 

80\. Nor does the fact that he loves you. 

**Author's Note:**

> i will go back to writing my thg au now, don't worry. 
> 
> please let me know your thoughts in the comments (and follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LACASADEKLAUS) for quality content)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Rules Were Made to be Broken](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25129486) by [64_words](https://archiveofourown.org/users/64_words/pseuds/64_words)




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